Lust in Translation (Harbour Point SEAL Series Book 1) Page 17

  “Quite the contrary,” I say. “I taught myself because I didn’t want to burden you with any more of my fucking drama.”

  “I want your drama. I know you’re deaf, but how in the world are you so blind, too?”

  “That’s offensive, Sunshine,” I say, smirking. “Not PC at all.”

  Kendall sighs and looks to the ceiling. “I cannot believe you never told me about this.” As she signs, she waves her hand to the tablet sitting between us. “How could you lie to me?”

  “It wasn’t really a lie.” It was. “I meant to tell you. Even planned on it during bog night, but everything got kind of screwy and we veered into Natalia, and then you were sad and I didn’t want you to be sad and mad. Then too much time had passed and you were upset about Adam, then the cat. Really there wasn’t any good time, and by that point we were friends and you were working through things with Adam.”

  “And lusting after you every second of the day.” She licks her lips even as she shakes her head. “I can’t control it. It makes me irate. What is it about you that keeps drawing me back in?”

  A conversation comes to mind. I was sweating bullets when Juliet asked me about soul mates. I was trying to feed her vague answers, but even then, the truth slipped in. I say, “When you have a person. Friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. Then life, by whatever means, gives that same person a purpose in your life. That makes a soul mate.”

  Kendall’s face softens. “That’s what Adam said. The day we signed the paperwork, you know?”

  My stomach flips. Why is she thinking about Adam? This is supposed to be about us. About our purpose. “I didn’t know. What did he say?”

  She signs. “That whole dinner conversation about soul mates and he asked me what his purpose was in my life. I didn’t think much of it then. But when we divorced he said he was serving his purpose. He was making me happy by setting me free.” She swallows hard, recalling the painful memory. “I told him his purpose was to make me happy, remember? How awful of me.” She shakes her head. “At that point I couldn’t tell you the last time he’d made me happy. Signing those papers did make me happy. Because I knew what it meant.”

  Running a hand through my hair, I try to keep my emotions in check. “What did it mean?”

  “That I could finally accept when you looked at me the way you do and figure out what it meant. What it felt like to give in. How it would be to have what I’ve desired for so long. Imagine my surprise when you refused to let me act out my fantasy.” Kendall smiles when she signs the last word. “I’m not sure how to sign a different word. Figure you would get the meaning with that one.”

  Her lips get easier and easier to read the more sign language I grasp. “I didn’t refuse anything. You gave me an ultimatum.”

  “Was I so easy to discard though? That you wouldn’t learn sign language for me? When it would really only benefit you?”

  “Preserving some semblance of my own person dictated that I do it on my own. Without your help. I’ve already dragged you into my messy life by being your friend. You were on the base that day because of me. You were in danger because of me.”

  “Because you got me this job,” she signs, sneering. “That’s why I was on base that day?”

  I growl out of frustration and scoot my chair closer. “By merely being your friend. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be the man you have to teach a language to because he needs saving. I want to be your man, damn it. The one who is strong enough to save himself. You look at me like I’m less. Everyone does.” I shake my head. “Don’t deny it. You came over every single day after I was released from the hospital and the pity I saw was real.” My cell phone vibrates in my pocket. I don’t take it out as I have a sneaking suspicion of who it may be.

  Kendall’s gaze darts to my pocket and back to my face. Cell phones aren’t allowed in the building and she knows it. She licks her lips. “It was never pity. I felt guilty because I did this to you. If I wasn’t there, if I had followed your directions, you would hear me right now.”

  This could go on and on. “You forgive me for not telling you about Margaret, then?” She tilts her head, irritated. “Have a bog night for me tonight. We can talk about things there. You’re insane if you think I fault you for the explosion. No one is responsible for that except the men who plotted against us. Who tried to kill us. The terrorists who used a weakness to cripple us when they thought they could win. They’ll never win.” I hang my head and swallow the grief down. I won’t be a part of that any longer, but I know my brothers won’t let them win. Standing, I take a moment to control my feelings. Walking to the copier, I pull off all of the forms and bring them back to the desk.

  Kendall smells different. A new perfume, or a laundry soap. As I brush by her she enters all of my working senses and trips the wires. I grab a pen and begin signing my name to avoid the memory of our kiss and what it almost became. I scrawl my name over and over. Being in the military is like buying a house with multiple contracts. The paperwork for everything is endless. Separating from the Navy proves to be more of the same. Kendall puts her hand on my knee and I pause to look at her. “It’s going to be okay. You will figure it out. You’re not alone.”

  “I know that,” I return. “What makes you think I don’t have it figured out already?”

  “Your hand is shaking. This is a big deal,” she replies, and signs.

  It is shaking. My hand. It doesn’t stop me from ignoring her sentiment and forging ahead. Kendall folds her fingers on my hand, demanding her full attention. I can’t not give her it.

  “I’ll pick you up later today. At six. Bog night,” she says and signs.

  The urge to decline her offer rises, but maybe she’s right and maybe I do need someone today. Fuck, I’m miserable. Not a desirable quality in the man I’m trying to be right now. It took weeks to work up the courage to schedule this appointment.

  Turning back to one of the last pages that needs my signature, my hand scrawls across the page. Kendall just caught me in a lie that would send most women running for the hills. Even if the lie was serving to help her, I know how bad it looks. For that reason alone, I say, “I’ll be ready at six.”

  I assume she leaves after that, but I don’t hear the door close. I don’t hear anything except my heart hammering out of my goddamn mind. I’ll no longer be in the Navy when I walk out of this office. Everything I’ve ever known will be gone. A life I loved—nonexistent. There will be nothing left except memories—what I’ll consider the good ol’ days. My mood plummets when Margaret waltzes back in the office as if she didn’t have to leave an awkward conversation to begin with. She leafs through the signature pages and initials as she goes. She taps a message on her tablet:

  “That’s it. The rest of the correspondence will be through email to the civilian email address you provided. I will send you a copy of your medical records after I make our copies. Is there anything else you need today?” She’s all professional and completely business right now. It’s better this way, I think.

  “I need to pick up a few things from my cage,” I say. Friends cleaned out the majority of the gear, but a bag or two of personal items remain.

  Through another message, Margaret tells me that’s fine and that I should stop back here to give her my credential badges before I leave for the day. For good. I lay a hand on my uneasy stomach and agree.

  Long meets me as I walk in the cage room. He smiles awkwardly and offers a high-five. Instead of making it weirder than it already must feel for him, I talk. And I talk some more. He nods along. I think about what he might find interesting and say it. Mentioning how I’m looking into a contracting position for the government. I know foreign languages as well as the tactical side of operations. I’m not worthless outside of these walls is the point I’m trying to convey. The positive aspects of the agencies seeking me out gets lost the second I remember what I’ve lost. I’ll no longer be holding a gun, relying on my sharp senses. More than likely I’ll be beh
ind a computer translating communications.

  When I realized there was an option like this for someone like me, I felt relief. My parents did, too. For a while I think my mom thought I’d have to move home and she’d be responsible for me for the rest of her life. Not that I’d let that happen, but parents have a way of inserting themselves into situations they have no business in—when you’re a child and also when you’re an adult.

  “Text me, man,” I say, clapping him on the shoulder. “Don’t be a stranger.”

  Long gives me the one-armed man-hug and smiles, lips pressed into a forced line. He’s here, right in front of me, and yet I might as well be completely alone. Long doesn’t even try to have a conversation with me, because he can’t. My new life will involve a lot of talking on my behalf and a lot of pretending for everyone else.

  I grab the backpack and the big duffle and pause in the middle of my old cage. For the first time, I like that it’s silent. I can reflect on my career. Recalling the good, the bad, and the scary gives me a sense of peace. A way to call this phase of my life complete. Life doesn’t let you decide when it’s time for the next chapter. It shoves it down your throat, asks you not to choke, and doesn’t apologize. Swallowing down a lump, I close the cage, grab my open padlock, toss it up in the air and catch it. I do it once more, then close it with my forefinger.

  I can’t hear the click, but I remember what it sounds like.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  LEO

  “YOU HAVE TO LEAVE,” I seethe, trying to push Avery toward the front door. Kendall is going to be here in five minutes, maybe sooner. She’s a punctual person. I can always rely on her to be somewhere when she says she will. Perfect on a typical day, utterly terrifying today. I don’t want to have to explain why Avery is here.

  Avery crosses her arms over her chest and shakes her head. Irony, in the most compound measure, is that Avery knows sign language because her brother was born deaf. It was something I never knew about her because, well, our relationship was always sexual. There wasn’t very much dating or getting to know one another on an intellectual level. She signs, “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why I have to leave right now. What are you hiding?”

  I sigh, and look out the living room window that overlooks the driveway. Any second she will pull in. I should be honest, but I feel guilty, because like Kendall, all Avery wants is to help me. Though Avery has ulterior motives. She always has had ulterior motives. “You have to leave because Kendall is coming over. I don’t want to explain why you’re here.”

  Avery winces. “Why am I here?”

  “I told you not to expect anything from me, Avery. I think you’re here because you like to torture yourself. You know how I feel about Kendall. I can’t hurt her after what she’s been through.” She stopped by unexpectedly just to say hi. Or so she says.

  Avery rolls her eyes. “She’s a walking disaster. That woman isn’t worth the oxygen she breathes. You’re a weaker man than I thought if you’re still pining for a chick who doesn’t give you the time of day.” With that statement she proved how little she knows about me. She’s angry. And I couldn’t blame her at first. We’ve been through a lot together. Somehow, I always ended up inside Avery Hudson.

  “Talking shit about the woman I love isn’t helping your cause. Please leave.”

  She takes a step back toward the door. “I thought things were going to be different after,” she trails, her fingers sort of floating in the air before she signs the rest of her sentence. “And I know sign language and can help you.”

  I run a hand through my hair and tamp down on my irritation. “What? After I took a knife in the gut for you?” Her ex-boyfriend is a full-on tyrant. He’s been in and out of jail for the past two years. Whenever he was out, she would stay with me. He showed up at her apartment a while back when he got out early and I was there. Balls deep in the woman whom he still considered his girlfriend. Now, I don’t think fighting naked is a skill anyone has, but I should have it. If anyone in the world could spar with their cock swinging around, it should be a Navy SEAL.

  He took me off guard when he pulled it out of his pocket and came at me like a spider monkey. He was so amped up on drugs it took all my effort to subdue him. He shanked me, while Avery watched. The scar has faded, but her adoration for that night has not. I won’t say it’s misplaced, but it is inconvenient. I was saving myself, for fuck’s sake, not trying to win any hero awards. A see a light flash across my living room, a sure sign that a car door in my driveway just opened and closed, and my eyes flare open wide.

  Avery grimaces, and sighs, “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to make your princess crumble. Any more than she already has.”

  She slings open the front door, and Kendall looks like she might run in the opposite direction. “Oh. Hi,” Kendall says.

  Avery responds, but her back is to me so I can only see Kendall’s reaction to Avery’s words and it’s not good. “Avery was leaving. She came over to say hello.”

  Kendall signs haphazardly. “I’ll leave.”

  “No, no. She is leaving. We have a bog night,” I say. Both women wince. My voice must be a few octaves higher than normal. I adjust and continue. “She wanted to see how today went signing the papers. Just friends. That’s all. Don’t get weird,” I say.

  “So you are just friends with Avery, how you and I are just friends?” Kendall signs, pain reflecting in those goddamn eyes that haunt my dreams. Avery is a consequence of waiting for Kendall. We all have to deal with what that means.

  I shake my head and look at Kendall. I point at Avery. “I deal with her as a friend. I love you.”

  That softens Kendall, but she looks uncomfortable I’ve said it out loud in mixed company. “I’m in love with only you. I don’t know what she said to you, or will ever say to you in the course of a lifetime, but I can assure that it’s only ever been you. For me.”

  Avery bristles as she spins to face me. “After everything we’ve been through?”

  Kendall pushes past me to enter the house and avoid the conflict we all feel coming. Again. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve had to have similar conversations with Avery. “I want you to have a good life, Avery. I think about you and think ‘she’s a good girl. I hope she finds happiness.’” I swallow hard. “That’s all well and good, but when I look at Kendall…” I sigh, pausing to close my eyes. “She’s it, my end. I hope she stays tangled in every thought for the rest of my days on Earth.” Avery’s shoulders slump—everything in her posture slumps. “It doesn’t matter what we’ve been through. There has never been a comparison.”

  “I see,” Avery signs. “There was hope for us. Before she moved here. I saw it. That doesn’t matter, though. I can tell that nothing else matters to you except her.”

  “Take care of yourself, Avery,” I reply, ignoring the rest.

  She nods, and spins on her heel. My heart is pounding rapidly as I watch her get into her car and pull out of the driveway. When I turn around, Kendall is there.

  Her eyes are wide and glassy. “She knows sign.”

  I pull on my bottom lip while nodding. “Her brother is deaf. It’s ironic, I know.”

  Her neck works as she swallows, keeping her gaze turned from me. “That’s how you learned so quickly. Without me.” Kendall messes with her hair after she signs.

  Closing the door against the birds chirping sweetly, I lay my hands on her shoulders. “I watched videos on the Internet, Kendall. There are countless resources available there. Your poster, for one.” I point to where I’ve hung it on the back of the guestroom door. “She didn’t help me learn. You act like I know so much. It takes a long time to fully learn it and all the nuances. If you want to, you can help me refine it.” I grin, letting my smile beam. “You want to teach, right? That’s your thing.”

  She sighs. “I can help you. Now that you’ll accept my help.”

  Bringing my hands to the side of her soft face, I lean in and kiss her. Before she has the chanc
e to say anything else. Before another second passes, I want to show her what it feels like to finally arrive at the last stop. Our destination. Kendall twines her arms around my neck and I move to close the distance between our bodies. Tilting her head back, I give myself better access to her mouth. Closing my eyes, I lose myself in the moment, letting all the negative thoughts go. She returns, in fervor, the lust now permeating the room.

  I open my eyes and watch as her eyelashes flutter. Biting her lip, I break the kiss and wait for ocean blue. My cock is hard and her gaze is filled with promise. I tug on the hem of her shirt as I back away. “Go to my bedroom and take off your clothes.”

  Kendall licks her lips while I stride backward toward the door without taking my eyes off her. She lifts the shirt over her head and tosses it on my coffee table. I lose my breath. “You follow directions like I do,” I say.

  She bites the corner of her bottom lip while smiling wide. She slides her feet out of her shoes and kicks them to the side. “Payback,” she signs.

  The deadbolt lock on my front door slides home. My stomach flips. Kendall walks into my bedroom, gazing over her shoulder when she hits my door frame. “Oh, I’m watching,” I remark, clenching and unclenching my fists by my sides. Kendall stands next to my bed as she slides her pants down her legs and pulls them off.

  Grabbing the collar of my tee, I pull it over my head and let it fall to the floor. “This is it, huh? No bog night first?”

  Kendall unsnaps her bra and tosses it at my head. I catch it and sling it over my shoulder like a dishtowel. She laughs, then signs, “Was bog night supposed to be foreplay?” Her tits are perfect.

  Her eyes trail over my body as I unbutton my jeans and let them fall to the floor. There’s nothing underneath, so I’m already naked—dick throbbing. “Bog night was just for fun. You’ll know foreplay when you feel it, Kendall.” I say her name like a promise. Stalking forward, I graze her peaked nipples with my fingertips. Her skin prickles at first touch. Moving lower, I let my hands slide down her slim waist to find her panties. Her chest rises and falls as she takes in breaths through glossy, separated lips.